Arachnophobia

Have you ever said you hated something, only to hear someone climb up on their very high horse and tell you: “Hate is a very strong word; you shouldn’t say hate."? Have you? Don't you hate that? Me too. Because there are things I hate, strong word or not.

Things I hate (thank you for asking):

1)when people roll their eyes at me

2) nuts in brownies

3) President Lydon B. Johnson

4) bugs in my house

That's it. I'm not a monster. 

For today, I'd like to focus on the bugs. I understand that insects play an important role in our ecosystem, yada yada yada, and I can appreciate that. However, bugs do not do not play an important role in my house.  You might say “What about how spiders? They catch and kill other bugs. Hm? Did you ever think of that? Well did you?” YES I DID THINK OF THAT but again if there weren’t bugs in my house then I wouldn’t need the spiders to make gross webs full of tiny exoskeletons that I need to vacuum up. So I am still right.

Last night I found ants in my basement. Like, many ants. Teeny, tiny ants crawling all over a teeny, tiny crumb of some food that my son probably carried down with him in the teeny, tiny waistband of his 2T sweatpants. Words cannot explain how horrifying I find large amounts of insects all gathered in one place. And because I always tell my students that poetry is a great way to express our feelings when regular language won’t do, here is a poem about the ants in my basement:

Bile slowly rises in my throat

I envision armies of them crawling over my skin

While I sleep

Where I eat

Watching me in the shower

Someone please god help me

Burn this place to the ground

Just call me Emily Dickinson. As you can see, my hatred/fear of bugs in (or near) my home is a serious emotional issue. The earliest nightmares I can remember from childhood involve bugs and rodents. [One famous nightmare I had involved me waking up in the middle of the night and screaming “Chucky Cheese is biting my bottom!” True story.]

This fear stuck with me as I grew. In fact, I have a little quirk called “night terrors” where I wake up and a spider, centipede, or a snake is right above my head. I completely lose my mind, jump up, turn on the light, and by then I am usually awake enough to slowly realize it wasn’t real.  Once I actually broke my toe when I stubbed it running from my bed to the light switch. [Add toe-stubbing to the list of things I hate.] Later, when people would ask why I was limping ... I don’t know, I just felt kind of silly explaining that I did it running from a dream-spider.

Thankfully I now have a lamp next to the bed, and a husband to turn it on for me when I shake him awake crying about a spider on my face. (Just add this to one of the many reasons you wish you were married to a cool, normal person like me.) And as for the title of this post: no, I have never seen the 1990 film "Arachnophobia", and no, that has not prevented it from giving me nightmares.

But seriously, everyone, what am I going to do about these ants in my basement? We'll have to move.

I also hate moving.