Parenthood

After yesterday's incident, this post feels appropriate.

People will tell you that you just can’t understand the feeling of being a parent until you experience it yourself. Well I am here to tell you it’s not true. If you have ever seen a comedic take on parenting in the movies or TV, you know it all. Here is how it works:

You have your baby in the usual way. There is swearing and hilarious bone-crushing hand-holding. Your husband says something that’s supposed to sound supportive, but it comes out all wrong. You look at him and yell, “You did this to me! I hate you!” Then, your baby comes out, clean with a normal-looking head and approximately three months old in size.

Then there is a montage to some Motown song with the word "Baby" in it, where you are seen getting up in the middle of the night and making bottles and your hair is a mess. Toward the end of the song, it seems like you're getting the hang of it, but then the baby projectile-vomits all over your face, on which you have an expression like, "Really?" It's pretty funny.

One day, you have an important interview for your job. (Even if you’re a stay at home parent, you will inevitably have a crucial work-related meeting or interview of some sort.) Well, don’t worry; you’ll get a babysitter … right?

At the last minute, your babysitter cancels! Whaaaat? Now you have no choice other than to bring your baby to the meeting. You’re panicked, but you say to yourself, “I can do this.” You’ll hide the baby behind your back/under the desk/in an over-sized briefcase, and if your boss sees it you’ll say it’s someone else’s baby. Everything will be fine … right?

But then, in the middle of a really serious part of the meeting, the baby has a poopie diaper! Oh no! You have to change it, discreetly behind your back so the boss doesn’t see. Everyone knows this boss hates babies! Well, you think you’ve got it, but you somehow manage to get poop on your face. But here’s the kicker – YOU DON’T REALIZE IT.

So now you’re in this critically-important work-related meeting, with feces on your face, which is exactly what you don’t need, because you don’t want your boss to think that parenting is going to get into the way of your career. It’s over … right?

Wrong! It turns out that your boss loves babies! Everyone just thinks he doesn’t because of a sad falling out he had with his son years ago. Now, seeing you with your baby, he thinks he will call his son after all. And to top it off, the dedication you’ve shown to your child actually makes you a better worker in his eyes. You get the job/promotion/new office! Then someone finally tells you about the poop and everyone has a good laugh.

That is exactly what it’s like to be a parent.