Henry and Liza: A Cautionary Tale

When was the last time you sang the song "There's a Hole in My Bucket (Dear Liza)"? I sang it last Friday. My son noticed a hole in my sock, so I launched into a [hilarious] rendition of "There's a Hole in My Sock." One thing led to another and pretty soon I was teaching him the original song about that infamous couple: Henry and Liza.

If you are unfamiliar with the song (what's wrong with you), here is a link to wikipedia. Educate yourself.

Here's my point: I never realized until Friday how poignant that song really is. It's basically the anthem of dysfunctional marriage.

First of all, Henry has a hole in his bucket. And rather than deal with that on his own, he just goes to Liza and says "There's a hole in a my bucket, Dear Liza."

Isn't that so like a husband?

"Hey honey, we're out of dish soap."

Oh, okay. GO GET SOME THEN.

Am I right? Anyway.

So Liza, who has clearly had it up-to-here with Henry, responds "Then fix it, Dear Henry."

Damn, that's cold.

At this point Henry should probably take the hint and get out of there, but no. He is sick of Liza and her passive-aggressive B.S., so he pushes it and says "But how shall I fix it, Dear Liza?"

How shall you fix it? Are you kidding me, Henry? Man up, dude. Man the F up and figure it out.

At this point I applaud Liza, because rather than punching Henry in his stupid face, she takes the high road and tells him "With straw, Dear Henry. With Straw."

(To be fair, "with straw" might be a sarcastic answer. I don't know much about bucket repair.)

From there, it's just a lot of brainstorming from Liza and a bunch of excuses from Henry:

Cut the straw. (How?)
With a knife. (It's too dull.)
Sharpen it. (With what?)
A stone. (It's too dry.)
Wet it. (With what?)
Water. (How shall I get it?)
With a bucket.

And then . . . oh man. Henry, you sly dog. Just when I thought you were a complete idiot, you bring it home with "But there's a HOLE in my bucket, Dear Liza, a hole!"

A-hole is right! Was that whole thing just a set-up? Are you kidding me, Henry? I mean are you seriously kidding me? We spent five solid minutes on this just so you could prove that you need a bucket to fix your bucket? Really??! Go buy another bucket then, you stupid jerk! Ugh.

That's what I would have said, but all Liza says is "Use your head, Dear Henry, Dear Henry. Use your head, Dear Henry. Dear Henry, use your head" and that's the end of the song.

Maybe "There's a Hole in My Bucket" is really about marital perseverance: about how you need to stick with it, even when your partner is the most annoying person on the planet who can't even fix a bucket.

It's an important message. In fact, people should recite this song at weddings. Couples should sing it on their anniversaries as a gentle reminder that marriage is aggravating.

But I don't think we should be singing that song to kids.

Let them dream.