Beauty Tips for the Modern Woman

Being a woman is hard, am I right ladies? Between the lipstick and the pantyhose and the salad-eating? Oh my oh my oh my.

Well here is the good news: I am here to help. If you are looking for tips on how to be a modern woman, you've come to the right place! Being a modern woman is an absolute must if you ask me.

Looking your best is very important to any modern woman, because even though beauty is only skin-deep, that skin should be taut and blemish-free. So here are some tips:

#1 - Hair

When you haven't showered in three days because you are too tired from "having it all," or because your small child cannot bear to be parted from you for the five minutes needed to cleanse your body, your hair can start to look greasy and unkempt. This will not do! Simply squeeze some of the baby powder that you've never used on your actual baby on top of your head, and voila! The grease is absorbed, and you can hide your shameful lack of hygiene for another day. Modern woman.

#2 - Skincare

Many modern women are surprised when they learn that being over thirty years old does not mean clear, acne-free skin. As it happens, one can have wrinkles and acne simultaneously. So what does the modern woman do when faced with a wrinkly zit? Here's some advice:

Step one: Stand in front of your bathroom mirror right before you go to bed. Stare at your blemish with hate-filled eyes and regret the mass amounts of chocolate you've been consuming. Then start prodding the zit with Kleenex-covered hands like you know what you're doing. Like covering your bacteria-covered fingers with Kleenex is going to help the situation.

Step two: Demolish that zit. Don't stop until your face is bleeding. Then stare down at your hands and whisper "what have I done?"

Step three: Put a colorful Band-Aid over the gaping wound on your face and tell everyone your child/cat/pet scratched you. Act like you're so confident you can wear a Band-Aid on your face like Nelly. Modern woman.

#3 - Nutrition

You need to stay in shape if you want to be a modern woman. Nothing says "I'm not modern" like a flabby booty. But working out is such a pain, because you have to move your body in ways that make it sweat. So here's a helpful hint:

Join a gym that has a nice locker room. Tell your family you are going there to work on your fitness. Once you get there, take that shower you've been missing and wash out the weeks of baby powder. You will look so clean and refreshed, people will think you've lost weight.

And if the gym has a cafe, eat there! Anything you eat at a gym is automatically better for you than the leftover mac and cheese you've been eating every day for two weeks.


There you have it, Girlfriend! With these tips in the back pocket of your ill-fitting skinny jeans, you are well on your way to being the modernest woman of them all.