Charles E. Cheese, PHD

I’ve seen many movies in which parents are represented as losers who have given up on being cool or well dressed. It’s always the same: the main character, who is attractive and single, feels down about his/her quest for love and visits his/her older sibling out in the suburbs. There is a chaotic scene of screaming kids and puking and messy hair and the older sibling says “Can’t you see I’ve got my own problems! Having a family is no picnic, honey!” and the main character drives away in their clean, small car feeling freaked out.

I’ve seen this movie many times, and the message has sunk in: parents are gross and sad. But when you become a parent, you start to think: not me! I’m different. I am going to still dress cute and brush my hair and not complain all the time. And it works for a while.

Cool mom.

Then you go to Chuck-E Cheese.

The same person who writes the scenes from the romantic comedies I described above designed Chuck E Cheese; I know it. The entire experience is meant to demoralize parents, and it works. I realized it as I was trying to chase my almost-three-year-old around the games while simultaneously bottle-feeding my crabby baby. It was the most lame I’d ever been, which is saying something because I've never been that cool.

In my mind’s eye I saw normal people, out at nice restaurants drinking wine and laughing. Then I saw myself with spit up on my shoulder and a crusty-eyed* baby with a dirty diaper. It was not a flattering comparison.

Uncool mom.

I felt embarrassed for myself, which was dumb, because the only people who could see me were in the exact same position. I thought I could escape the stereotype, and that being a parent wouldn’t make me like this. But it DOES, and I have to accept it.

In the words of Marge Simpson: “If loving my kids is lame, then I guess I’m just a big lame.”

I know people make parenting look in their cute Facebook photos and humble-brag status messages: Tyler just sang the ABC’s in Spanish! Oh my gosh people are staring!:), but make no mistake, there is a less-charming side. And no one escapes it. I don’t care what you say. NO ONE. Chuck E. Cheese will find you, my friends. He will find you, and he will make you uncool.

*My son has a blocked tear duct. Stop judging me!