Movies

I almost called into a morning radio show the other day. I almost really did.

The on-air personalities were listing movies they just don't "get" -- meaning acclaimed movies that, to them, are undeserving of their popularity. Interesting topic, I thought. Surely I can listen to this without feeling irrationally angry, I thought.

The first guy's choice was fine. The Hangover or something. I thought that movie was funny when I saw it, but yeah, sure, it's a little over-hyped at this point.

Then, the next person names her "I just don't get it" movie: Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This I do not understand. I have seen that movie many times, and there is no doubt that it is delightful. Matthew Broderick? Yes. Yes and yes.

Obviously, I was stunned by this choice. Indignant, even. But only when I heard her "reason" for disliking the movie did I actually get mad. Here it is. Are you ready? Are you ready to feel the anger I felt? I can send you the number to the radio station if you want.

[Annoying voice]: "I think that movie is dumb. I mean, it's completely unrealistic. When I skipped a day in high school, all I did is sit on the couch and watch Wheel of Fortune!"

Really?

You mean you didn't dress up like your girlfriend's dad and pick her up from school and then cause an entire city to break out in a choreographed dance when you hijacked a parade float? Really?

Huh ... well, maybe that is why no one has ever made a movie about your day off, dummy!

I wanted to call and yell that into the phone, but then I would have to admit that I listen to their show, which of course I do NOT. I am too mature/intelligent/pretentious to listen to morning DJ's make prank calls and promote the next "Booty Cruise." (I only listen to NPR.)

Back to my point. Why do people complain when movies are unrealistic? Isn't actual real life real enough? Personally, I am fully-aware of what reality is like. That is why I like to escape it with movies. And booze.

In fact, the less realistic a movie is, the better in my book. Do you have a movie where a girl hit her head at her 13th birthday party and woke up as a 30-year-old? Sounds awesome!  How about one where a group of super-heroes is working together to defend our planet from a bitter alien-brother and his army? Yes? Sign me up! A man is aging backwards? Cool! (Truth: that one was a little boring.)

There is only one fantastical plot point that has always bugged me. It is from the most beloved film of all-time: a movie that is a classic and a treasure to behold. The film to which I am referring is, of course, The Little Mermaid.

For those of you unfamiliar with LM, it is about a mermaid named Ariel who trades her voice to a sea witch to become human so . . . what am I talking about? Of course you are familiar with The Little Mermaid.

So, again, I am fine with the mermaid stuff, and the witch stuff, and the magic stuff. Of course. It's a fairy tale. There is just one teeny detail that I could never quite get around. One little oversight that kept me awake as a nine-year-old, and still bothers me today.

Why doesn't she just write things down?

Princess Ariel is not illiterate. Surely she has attended the finest schools golden sea clams can buy. (Do you remember when she signed that scroll? The penmanship was exquisite!) So why not pass Eric a little note? "Hey, I'm Ariel, I saved you from a shipwreck when I was a mermaid but I traded my voice to a witch so I could be human and meet you." Gotcha. Problem solved.

Granted, this would make for a less-interesting movie. That said, what Disney should do is add a line where Ursula says "You won't have a voice, but NO WRITING THINGS DOWN! FOR SERIOUS." It would put my mind at ease.

Someone send a memo to this man. Explain that, while we are perfectly fine with our movies being unrealistic, and with our heroines having eyes the size of grapefruits and waists the size of a pack of Smarties, we would like this particular logic-hole patched up.

Let me know what he says.