Whatever gets you through the night.

Thank you for the wonderful topic suggestions! I know there was only one comment (Thanks Andrea), but I also received texts, emails, and Facebook messages. You guys have some good ideas.

And I am going to get to those ideas very soon, but first I have to tell you about this really great night I just had. I mean it was great, and it involves private parts, so you're going to want to read on. Here we go.

My great night started around 2 AM when for no reason my three-year-old was all "Waaaah waaah let me sleep in your bed."

I know many children climb into bed with their parents at night and it's normal, but I'm not into it. We're not sleeping in a king-sized bed over here. It's a queen and it's meant for two, not three, even if one of the people is three. If that damages my child psychologically, so be it. I don't like getting kicked in the boob fifty times a night, okay? Okay?

So anyway, at 2AM there was some serious debate on the issue of beds. Debating with a three-year-old is just about the stupidest thing you could ever try to do, let alone in the middle of the night, but I do it because I am right and he is wrong and he needs to admit that.

His main argument was that, while he wanted to be a good boy and sleep in his bed, his head was being naughty and wouldn't stop saying that it wanted to sleep in mommy and daddy's bed.

So he hears voices, NDB.

After more crying from him and passive-aggressive parenting from me, I ended up sleeping with him in his bed. I think it's pretty clear who won that battle.

Unfortunately by then we were both wide awake and we both had to go to the bathroom. So I took him to the potty, and then asked that he go back to bed while I used the potty. (Please forgive my use of the word "potty" twice in one sentence.)

In my house we're also not big on using the toilet in front of our children. I know some people are more laid back and free about it, but I was raised a little differently, and let's just say it's not my thing.

However my child made it very clear that he was not interested in going back to his room and being alone for one second. I was also not interested in having another useless debate, so I conceded and let him stay. I mean, I can urinate pretty discreetly.  I've been camping.

So I went to the bathroom, and he started laughing, which was creepy and annoying. "What's so funny?" I asked. He said, "You didn't push your penis down!" and then laughed some more.

In my opinion, 3AM is not really the time to open the genital can of worms, so I let the misunderstanding slide. I mean, if letting my son think I have a penis is what it takes to back to sleep, then I will take it. I will have a penis forever if it means uninterrupted, beautiful sleep.

The End.

Let the record show that I used the word penis three (now four) times in this entry and and boob once (now twice). That's pretty good.