5 Things I'll Never Say to My Teenage Daughter

I, like all self-involved bloggers, have a dream of one day writing something that goes viral. Some brilliant little essay that everyone will read, and post, and re-post on their Facebook feeds until millions of people are sick of reading it.

That would be sweet.

In my short blogging career, I have tried to write things that are original, interesting, and above-all funny. I want to write things that make people laugh out loud. A lot of what I write makes me laugh out loud, because I think I'm pretty funny, but I want to go bigger.

Recently, I noticed a trend in the viral posts appearing on my Facebook newsfeed. It seems, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but it seems that the key to writing something that every person will read is to write something that has to do with saying things, or not saying things, to your kids.

Also, posts that tell you things you already know about having kids, like "When you have kids, you better say goodbye to sleeping!" These seem to be pretty popular.

I guess every parent (myself included) is so terrified of screwing up their child that they are willing to read anything and everything to avoid it. So I thought I might join this fear-mongering trend and compose my first-ever viral blog post. Are you ready? Here it goes: 

5 Things I'll Never Say to My Teenage Daughter:

Being a mom of a teenage daughter these days is tough! There is so much pressure from teen novels, teen novellas, and teen community theater; our daughters needs us in their corner to keep them on the straight and skinny path. 

If there is one thing I've learned from having my two and four-year-old sons, it's that we need to avoid saying the following five things to our teenage daughters. 

(Saying anything else is fair game.)

5 Things I'll Never Say to My Teenage Daughter:

1. You suck. 

I know it's, hard, but don't say this to your kids! It hurts their feelings and it's not very constructive. 

2. You are not pretty.

Real talk: teenage girls -- and people in general -- care about their physical appearance and beauty. Telling your daughter she is not pretty (even if, let's face it, she isn't) might really set her back emotionally.

3. Go do some drugs.

Don't say this! Many drugs have been proven to have adverse effects on one's health.

4. I only had you so I could get on the show "16 and Pregnant."

This is a dumb thing to say, because if you currently have a teenage daughter, then "16 and Pregnant" was not even on when you were conceiving a child. Get your facts straight.

5. You should try to get on the show "16 and Pregnant."
Really, this is terrible advice. If you want your daughter to make a quick buck, she should try one of MTV's terrible dating shows like "Are You the One?" That way the money they make won't immediately be spent on childcare and legal fees.


That's it! Don't say those five things, and you will have raised a confident, assertive, good-looking daughter. Good luck out there, parents! Be sure to check back next week for my ground-breaking research-based essay "16 Things All Parents Who Actually Love Their Children Do 100% of the Time."