Like an STD, but on your face.

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Since before I can remember, I have been afflicted with cold sores. Cold sores are open wounds that appear on your face, typically around the mouth and nose. They like to come out when you are stressed, or tired, or if you get sunburned, or if your lip suffers some sort of injury, or if you are planning a big event for which you'd like to look nice. And here is the kicker: once you get a cold sore, you will continue getting them for the rest of your life. It’s the gift that keeps on giving – just like herpes. Oh wait, that’s because it IS herpes!

Cold sores are herpes. Technically speaking, they are herpes simplex 1 (HSV-1) and not exactly the same thing as herpes simplex 2 (HSV-2) which is what people get from “doing it.” Unfortunately it’s a fine line.

But before you make any inappropriate jokes about my promiscuity, let me make it clear that my cold sores were not sexually-transmitted. They were passed on from my mother, who got them from her mother, who got them from her mother, who was a whore.

So every time I get a cold sore, I not only have to deal with the self-consciousness that comes with having an open, weeping wound on my mouth, but I also have to deal with people wondering if I am a hussy. Thank goodness I already got a man, because I’m pretty sure “facial VD” is a turn-off for most guys on match.com.

But just because I’m married doesn’t mean cold sores don’t affect my game. My husband tries to be nice, but every time I have a sore he becomes extremely paranoid. Hugs are too risky. A kiss on the cheek is out of the question. Even looking directly at me for too long makes him uncomfortable. If it were socially acceptable, he would gladly have me wear a paper bag on my head for the duration of the virus. And then he would put a surgical mask over the mouth area. And then he would spray the mask with Lysol. And then he would look me deep in the brown paper-bag eyeholes and tell me I’m beautiful. Because he cares.

In addition to throwing off my home life, cold sores affect my performance at work. Engaging of a room of middle-school students for six hours is not easy when you look good, but when you have an open sore on your face, it’s nearly impossible. One time my fly was down, and now those children will never understand semicolons.

During my first year of teaching, I got the most absurd and awful cold sore. I don't want to go into too much detail, but let me just say that when I smiled, it bled. Okay that might have been too much detail, but I want you to understand the severity of the situation.

All day, my students would do double-takes, eyes widening when they saw me. I couldn't take it. I mean, I'm not a terribly vain person; I go in public in clothes that could earn me a spot on "What Not to Wear" regularly, but this was another level of self-consciousness. I quickly made up a group activity that did not involve me talking to them, then I cowered at my desk, hoping they would behave and not need me for anything. That group activity lasted for two weeks. It was a Rube-Goldberg machine that told the story of Crime and Punishment.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Isn't there anything you can do for these awful sores, Molly?" and "Will you please stop describing what the sores look like?" and "Is your mom going to be mad about that great-grandmother joke you dropped several paragraphs back?" The answers to these questions are 1) sort of, 2) fine, and 3) we'll see. 

Unfortunately the best treatment for cold sores involves walking into a pharmacy and speaking the words "I'm here to pick up my Valtrex prescription." Because the same medicine they advertise for genital herpes will also treat cold sores. And that makes you feel really proud. 

Even more unfortunately, most treatments don’t work unless you catch the sore before it happens, which is difficult. However if you do have cold-sore ESP, and you are constantly carrying meds with you, then you're set. Just try not to let your herpes cream slip out of your pocket when you’re on a date or a job interview. People will talk.