Devious George

I don't mean to intimidate you, but I was an English major in college.  That's right, an English major. This means that, while I had no foresight or realistic career ambitions, I did read a lot of books and analyze them in 10-12 page essays. So, it's pret-ty safe to say that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to literature.

Typically I read a lot of classics, (you know, James Joyce, Chinua Achebe, Charlotte Bronte) but lately I've been really into Curious George. We're on a big George kick at my house, specifically this collection of stories:
 

Through frequent readings and follow-up discussions, I've come to a surprising conclusion about this beloved children's character: he is a terrible monkey. Curious, yes, but mostly just terrible.


George never listens. Ever. He has no regard for rules, courtesy, or other people's feelings. In one story, he went into Grand Central Station and rearranged all of the train arrival and departure times on the big board. Seriously? Can you imagine the negative impact that would have on thousands of people's days? And guess what happens to him for doing this horrible thing? Nothing! Everyone just laughs it off. Unbelievable.

This type of over-indulgent, self-centered behavior is destroying our society [strong statements like that always got me an A in college]. Margaret and H.A. Rey might have thought they were being cute, but really, they were ruining America [that A just got a big fat + written next to it].

Rather than teach our children to act purely on impulse without fear of consequence, why not give them a little dose of reality? Here is the story our children should hear:

Curious George Visits the Grocery Store

George was a mischievous little monkey and always very curious. One day, he and his best friend, the man in the yellow hat, (whose name was Stanley, by the way, which George found out when he was polite enough to ask the name of the person who took care of his every need) went to the grocery store.

When they arrived, the man at the store was re-stocking the bananas. George thought the bananas looked very tasty, so he decided to take some from the man's cart and eat them in the store.

When he took the bananas, the worker was very cross and started to chase after George. George did not want to cause any trouble, he just wanted to have a snack and find his friend. He jumped up onto the shelves of cereal and swung all the way across the store, looking for Stanley.

Sure enough, George made a huge mess and cost the grocery store hundreds of dollars in lost revenue. The police were called, and animal control arrived just in time to shoot George with a powerful tranquilizer dart. Stanley was fined $10,000 for bringing a wild, unleashed animal into a store that sold food. George was brought to the zoo where he learned to obey his elders.

The End.