"Can I start a room for you?"

Photo from HERE.

This is going to be a good post because, while I am writing it, my child is screaming in the next room protesting a much-needed nap. The sound of his shrill wailing leaves me totally at ease and ready to form complete, clever, thoughtful sentences.

Anyway.

It's been a hectic week with the transition back to "working mom" from "stay-at-home mom." Summer was delightful and, at times, terrible -- just as I predicted in this post. The part about standing in the pool bathroom with poop on my hands actually happened, you guys. Am I some sort of modern-day soothsayer? AM I????

Then again, if I really were a soothsayer, I might have talked myself out of a certain shopping-spree I went on last weekend.

And there is my transition.

A while ago, I decided that I needed to "up my game" and shop at a store that doesn't also sell candy in the check-out line.

Now I am second-guessing that decision, because I am poor.

My main issue with high-end clothing retailers is that the people who work there are way too intense for my comfort level. I prefer warehouse-sized bargain basements where no one will help you even when you want them to very badly. Even if you are on fire.

After my brief interaction with a certain sales woman, you would have thought we were best friends. You would've thought we were going to meet up for coffee this week. You would've thought we were planning a girls' trip to Cabo this spring. But we're not, because it was all a lie. She didn't care about me. She just wanted my money. I feel so used.

And poor.

And, B.T.W., Jessica, the black dress does NOT make my waist look tiny. LIAR!

That's all. I have to go give-in to my baby now.

What to Wear?

Fact: I am not a "trendsetter" when it comes to fashion. I am not even a trend-follower. I am a trend-confuser. That means I am confused by trends and how to follow them.

I am thankful that I went to high school in the 90's and got to wear Doc Martin shoes and men's plaid-flannel shirts every day and be cool. I mean, who doesn't look good in a baggy flannel with straight hair parted straight down the middle? Or better yet, who does? It was an excellent way to even the playing field. Boys didn't know what any of us looked like under that shapeless, depressed clothing. It was heaven.

Photo from HERE.

When the new millennium hit and fashion went back to being gender-specific, I decided I had a "quirky" style and "didn't care what people thought of me" because I was a "theater major" and hung out with "cool" theater kids. I wore weird shirts from the Goodwill, and yellow snow boots, and a long black skirt, and ... Sorry, I was just overcome with embarrassment and regret. Excuse me.

My point is, I was able to avoid the world of fashion for most of my life. So it was a little jarring when everyone around me started to look polished and pretty and wore clothes that fit them. Suddenly, my green polo shirt with the name "JoAnn" embroidered on it didn't seem so cool. And then I started watching "What Not to Wear," and it got real. Really real.

Did anyone see the movie "Crazy Stupid Love"? I did. I know some people hated it; I loved it, but that is not the point. My point is there is a scene where Ryan Gosling is trying to help Steve Carrell be hip and he takes him shopping, and he tells him to "be better than The Gap." That was kind of an eye-opener for me because, up until that point, I was not aware that The Gap wasn't high-end. To me, shopping at The Gap had been for special occasions when Target wouldn't do.

Needless to say my fashion sense is still very much a work in progress. I often wander around stores, looking at things, not able to decide if they are good or bad. "Is this something adults wear?" I ask myself. Is this the right cut for my shape? What is my shape? I am a human-shape. Where is the section for human-shaped clothing?

Sometimes I pick up something I like and then realize I'm in the junior's department. Then I find something else and it turns out I'm in the maternity department. Or then I find something else and it turns out to be an accessory for a doll or a pet. It's very traumatic.

Here's the bright side: fashion is cyclical, right? So one day the baggy flannels will be back, and I will break out my Birkensocks and my burlap poncho and be cool again. Or maybe for the first time. Or maybe not at all.

Time will tell.

June!

I'm sure everyone is deeply concerned that I have not posted yet this week. Don't worry, I am okay. I am great. Tomorrow is the last day of school (for students) and that is a happy thing. Summer vacation, baby!

Never mind that it's 60 degrees and raining. Never you mind that at all.

What I am most looking forward to is not having to choose work-appropriate attire from my closet every morning. I'm pretty sure at least eight students are keeping track of my monotonous wardrobe, writing things like "She's wearing the brown pants AGAIN" in their assignment notebooks.


Wardrobe-tracking is not the only thing of which you need to be conscious when you're a teacher. You also need to check your fly a lot. There is an old educator's proverb that goes "Any time children are laughing and you are not sure why, check your fly." You should also check that you don't have food in your teeth, or that your shirt isn't see-through, or that a child hasn't snuck in and started doing a dance behind your back.

To be honest, if you are deranged enough to teach middle school you should get used to being laughed at for unknown reasons. It's going to happen. Just smile and nod like you get it, and take solace in the fact that soon you won't have to see them anymore.

Summer is going to be so great.