Things I Thought I Would Do Over the Last Six Months, But That I Did Not Actually Do

You may have thought that I took a break from blogging so that I could accomplish other things in my life. Like, for example, some home remodeling, or pinteresting crafts, or perhaps some charity work.

Well I didn't. I just did the normal stuff I do, and the time I would usually spend writing, I spent doing this puzzle:

That's 2,000 pieces, baby! Well . . . 1,999. Either this puzzle came with a piece missing, or one of the smaller, sticky-fingered members of my household ingested part of the southern Atlantic. We searched for that piece for days. It was like Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 up in here. (Too soon?)

So yes, it was not a productive summer/hiatus, but I did learn a lot about world geography.

And here is a condensed list of things I meant to do over the break that did not get done:

1. Shower every day
2. Clean my house
3. Run more than two miles without "cramping up"
4. Paint my kitchen
5. Write thank-you notes for any gifts received in the last three years
6. Send the baby/wedding/graduation gifts that have been sitting on my dining room table for four months
7. Eat vegetables
8. Text people back
9. Call people back
10. Get that last bit of 6-month old toenail polish off my toes


But I did go swimming a lot! And I rode on a boat once. So that's something.

At long last . . .

And I'm into memes now! Just like five years after everyone else! So hip.

I know my hiatus went a little long, but you know, I had things to do. And while I was away, no fewer than two people complained to me about missing this blog, so, hello. Time to get back at it.

Another meme! Are you guys loving these as much as I am?

No?

Why do I keep doing that? I don't even like cats. I think I'm nervous. It's been so long.

Anyway, I really do have some good stuff cooking for you all (no more memes), so please start checking back here a couple times a week. Start an RSS feed, whatever that is. And if you can figure out how to subscribe to this thing, let me know how that works. And don't forget to "like" me on Facebook! And follow me on twitter! And sign my yearbook! And walk my dog!

Announcement!

The Lazy Stand-Up is about to get un-lazy, everyone.

This Saturday, March 22nd, I am going to actually leave my house after 9PM and go perform live comedy! What? Can you even believe it?

The show is called: OMG: Before We Got Our Lady Bits and it's improv based on old middle and high school journals, diaries, and notes. I thought that sounded pretty much amazing, so I threw my name in the pool to participate, and here we are. It's GO TIME.

My main concern is not that I will be bad at improv (which, don't get me wrong, is a concern) but more that I will actually fall asleep on stage because the show starts at 10:30 PM. That's kind of late.

But anyway, if you're in the area and would like to see a bunch of female improvisors create funny scenes based on awkward tweenage angst, come on down! It'll be so awesome.

Informative link:
http://www.hugetheater.com/shows/omg-before-we-got-our-lady-bits/

Still here . . .

Ugh. You guys are so mad at me right now. I wake up, and I can feel your angry disappointment nagging at me for a lack of posts. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

Last week was full of great stuff: random barfing, late work nights, a three-day weekend excursion with friends -- it was pretty sweet actually, minus the barfing. However, it did not leave much time for narcissistic rambling.

Another development from last week is that a student teacher began working in my classroom. For those of you who don't know, a student teacher is a college student who wants to become a teacher, and this one will allegedly learn to do this by watching me make an idiot out of myself every day for a couple months.

If this woman wants to be a weirdo teacher who kids do impressions of in the hall, I'm guessing she has already learned a lot.

Like, a lot.

I don't know if there is an equivalent for those of you in more typical office jobs, but imagine someone just sitting next to you watching everything you did on your computer and listening to your phone calls all day long.

Image from Businessweek.com HERE.

Would that make you uncomfortable? Might you second-guess some decisions? I bet you wouldn't be reading "The Lazy Stand-up" all day long, like you usually do.

Anyway, my point is that it's hard to quietly open a text document and draft a blog entry during my students' silent-reading period these days. I have to look professional all the time. During my prep, I have to walk down to the cafeteria and get a spoon to eat my yogurt instead of secretly using the lid like a shovel. It's ridiculous.

But we will get through this, guys. The blog will go on, just like Celine Dion's heart. And just to keep us on track, here's a preview of what's to come:

THIS WEEK:

1) Funny games for funny people

2) My son is Tiny Tim except without the health concerns

3) Thanksgiving Prep

Day Off

Today was meant to be a productive day. I didn't have to work, and my son still went to preschool, so there is a golden opportunity to accomplish the many tasks that never seem to get done otherwise.

Here is how my day was meant to go:

6:45     Wake-up and breakfast
7:30     Leave to go to preschool
8:00     Get gas and a chai tea latte
8:30     Meet friend for brisk, aerobic walk
9:30     Go home put 1-year-old down for nap
10:00    Laundry
10:30    Interactive/brain-stimulating play with 1-year-old
11:30    Nutritious homemade lunch
12:15    Organize pantry
1 PM    Baby down for second nap
1:15     Vacuum
2:00     Dust
2:30     Bond sweetly with my child
3:00     Organize toys
3:30     Put away Halloween stuff
4:00     Catch up on school work
4:30     Pick up child at preschool
5:00     Make dinner

Here is how my day is actually going:

6:00      Ignore my children as they wake up
6:45      Breakfast/Arguing
7:45      Leave for preschool
8:00      Get gas
8:30      Get lost while trying a new route  
9:30      Walk with friend
10:30    Lay on the couch, watch Sesame Street/Mindy Project while child crawls around
10:45    Find child with battery in mouth, get off couch
11:00    Start a load of laundry, forget to press "start" on the dryer
11:30    Give my child a semi-nutritious lunch, give myself Halloween candy
12:30    Try to get my child to take a nap
1:00      Try to get my child to take a nap
1:30      Try to get my child to take a nap
2:00      Finish Mindy Project and watch New Girl while putting away batteries
2:30      Write mediocre blog entry
3:00      Pick-up house, or . . . nap?

Clearly I should get going.

That nap is not going to take itself.

Your Homework Assignment:

I'm going on vacation tomorrow, and I'm not bringing my laptop. I might bring it if I didn't already have two enormous suitcases full of floaties and diapers and towels, but sadly this is not the case. So what I'm saying is: there may not be many posts for the next ten days.

In my absence, you have two assignments.

1) Read the above article in this week's Entertainment Weekly magazine. It's all about one of my favorite comediens, Mindy Kahling, and the business of writing comedy.

2) Submit your story for the upcoming "Strangers Who Shamed Me" post. Really! Do it! I know who reads this blog and I know you have some good ones, so stop holding out on me.  To further entice you, I'm going to illustrate each story. It's going to be great.

3) Eat a s'more.


That's all. Don't miss me too much while I'm away. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Father's Day-Related Comedy Recommendations That You Don't Really Care About Because Father's Day Was Yesterday

In honor of Father's Day, I was just watching one of my favorite stand-up bits from Chris Rock about "real daddys." It's from his old special "Bigger and Blacker" and it is funny. If you don't mind a lot (I mean a lot) of swearing, then you should watch it by clicking HERE.

Another hilarious fatherly-thing you should check out is Jim Gaffigan's new book Dad Is Fat.

My husband received it for Father's Day, despite not being fat himself. If you were worried that you had to be a fat dad to enjoy this book, don't! It is funny for everyone. I read the first couple chapters and already love it.

Finally, not related to Father's Day at all, a friend emailed me this link last week and it's pretty amusing if you -- like so many -- question people's usage of the app Instagram. If you don't know what Instagram is (like for example my own dad) then maybe just skip it.

Link HERE.

Sum Sum Summatime

Today is officially my first day of summer vacation! You can tell it's summer because it's 55 degrees outside and I'm wearing a sweater.

I know this is only the second post of the week (very unlike me) but take comfort in the fact that I have been occupied with other, very important tasks such as learning the song "Cups" off YouTube and doing jigsaw puzzles on my iPad.

Also, tonight I am going to a "Pinterest" party, where everyone makes something off Pinterest and brings it to share. If you've read THIS POST then you can imagine how stressed I am right now.


Of course I don't want to leave you without anything funny, so here is a LINK my husband just send me. Babies + Photoshop = Funny. Have a great weekend, beach bunnies!

Kind of busy right now . . .

Could I ever be this funny? I doubt it.


Photo HERE.

Comedy Week 2

Something I've learned about writing a comedy blog every day is that if you don't spend a lot of time on what you post, you will find later that it has typos, isn't as funny as you thought, and is borderline culturally insensitive.
 
That said, I don't have anything prepared today! Hopefully the holiday weekend will provide me some inspiration. Patriotic inspiration.

In the meantime, I did find some funny stuff on YouTube during "Comedy Week." One suggestion that came to me was a particular gem, especially as the parent of a toddler. I am passing it on to you!

Find it HERE if you are on a mobile device.

Updates

 

Quiz Answers:
1. B
2. B
3. B

Snack Update:
There were officially two sheet cakes in the lounge this morning. If you don't know what I'm talking about click here.

Post Update:
I wrote something for you last night, but I'm pretty tired and I can't tell if it's funny or not. My standards are pretty low when sleep-deprived, so I'm going to take the weekend and think about it.

Weather Update:
It's snowing.

Blog Update:
New links at the bottom of every post! Relive the magic.

Life Update:
Tonight I am going to Chuck-E Cheese. I'm going to get so many tickets playing ski ball.

Have a nice weekend!