Moviefone!

You guys. I just watched a movie on Netflix and it was so awesome because:

1) I got to watch a movie on Netflix because my kids were out with their grandma and my husband was at work and I was ALONE.

2) The movie was "They Came Together" starring Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd.

If you ever saw the movie "Wet Hot American Summer" (2001) which is an absurd comedy based on a summer camp, and you liked it, then you will love this movie which is an absurd comedy based on stereotypical romantic comedies.

And speaking of "Wet Hot American Summer," did you know there is a new series based on that movie coming out on Netflix this July? Did you? That is very good news. And if you've never heard of WHAS, please watch the following clip:

And also I think you should be alone and watch "They Came Together" immediately. Just look at this hokey grossness.

Heaven!

Horror Weds Hilarity and a Beautiful Child Is Born

Halloween is just around the corner.

Generally speaking, I like Halloween. I like seeing little kids in costumes, walking around with no idea how hilariously adorable they look. Is there anything better than a two-year-old walking around, holding his parent's hand, dressed up as Batman? Is there?

There is not.

But when it comes to scary things, like being scared, and scaring other people -- I am a strong "no thank you."

Some people love being scary, and feeling scared, and the sound of their hearts beating to the rhythm of the pee seeping into their pants -- but not me. I loathe being scared. I get angry when people try to scare me. If you pop out at me and yell "Gotcha!"--  my first instinct will be to never speak to you again. (My second instinct is to cry.)

The only way for me to tolerate something scary is if it is mixed with my favorite thing: comedy. Comedy and horror are wonderful together. For example, the "Scream" movies with Neve Campbell -- those were pretty good. Because even though I was scared, I was laughing as much as I was urinating. Sometimes I wasn't sure if the urine was induced by the fear or the laughter, and that's a great sign.

Another hilarious scary movie was "Cabin in the Woods" in 2012. That movie was incredibly funny, but also a little scary, and in the end, I -- the scardiest-scaredy-cat in all of Scaresville -- was fine. Success.

And now, I am very excited to announce that I have found a book that, despite being in many ways a horror story, was the funniest book I've read in a long time. I loved it.

That is a picture of the amazing book to which I refer.

It is also a picture of my sock!

All Animals Versus All Humans is a delightful mix of grisly death and hilarious satire. (Yes, such a mix exists!) I really liked it. I laughed a lot when I read it. It was very dark, and weird, and smart. Just like me -- minus the dark part. And the smart part.

Anyway, go buy this book on Amazon, and prepare to be horrified -- in a good way.

Link here.

Get Ready . . .

Blasphemers

Check out my awesome new cup!

I got this last weekend when we went to see "The Little Mermaid" at the local dinner theater. It is awesome; I have been very hydrated all week.

The cup is awesome, no doubt, but the play I had some issues with. And since I am basically like a professional reviewer of the fine arts (I wrote about a TV show once) I am going to share with you my concerns regarding this production of the Disney classic.

Before I begin, let me say that I am probably the last person who should ever review a show based on "The Little Mermaid" because I am something of a expert.

And let me also say that I am an expert because I once watched the movie sixteen times in one day.

When I was nine.

Which totally justifies it.

Anyway, as with many things, you can blame this movie-binge on my mother because she wouldn't let me buy the movie when it came out on video. I could only get the 24 hour rental. So obviously I had to watch it as many times as I could within those 24 hours because I love mermaids so much.

Eventually it aired on TV and I was able to tape it -- which was a relief.

I was such a Little Mermaid freak in the early 90's that when my sister's 8th-grade class was doing the musical for their spring concert, I actually wrote them a script to use from memory. That's a fact. File it under "True Facts" because that's what it is.

What I'm saying is that I know the story of the Little Mermaid better than your average adult [who is not institutionalized], so I don't like when people change the story and make it weird, which is what they did in the stage production I saw this weekend. For example:

1. Flounder was officially in love with Ariel. They added all these lines about how he had this unrequited love for her, and it was uncomfortable for many reasons, not the least of which is that he is 1/6 her size.

2. All the humans in the play dressed like they were in India, so when I thought I was going to see Ariel in this:

. . . she was in something like this:

Which makes NO SENSE.

3. Sebastian had a Steve-Urkel catchphrase. It wasn't "Did I do that?" but it was in a voice exactly like that. I was not into it.

4. There was all this stuff about how Ursula and Triton were brother and sister, and how Ursula killed all of her other siblings but forgot about Triton, and how Ursula killed Ariel's mom, and it was a bit much. Get to the "Oh that blowfish blow!" already. 

5. And finally, Prince Eric had blonde, curly hair. Which is ABSURD.

In conclusion, the actors were talented and the theater was nice, but I give this musical two thumbs DOWN for messing with what should not be messed.

Also, maybe I should see a therapist?

Aaaaand, unfreeze!

Hi. The world kind of froze for four days and I've been busy spending all of my money on heating and staying indoors with my small, not-annoying children.

While I was gone, however, I did win an important contest (thank you, thank you) and I made a homemade pizza. So it was pretty productive.

This week I was supposed on an environmental learning trip in the North Woods with a bunch of twelve years olds, but then someone was like "oh wait, you could die" so now we are going next week when it will be only twenty below zero, as opposed to thirty below zero.

I'm thinking of live-tweeting the experience, using the neglected @thelazystandup handle on Twitter. What do you think? Posting will be impossible without a computer, plus I'll be busy dissecting owl pellets and supervising the ropes course -- but tweets? Tweets could work.

Think about it. Follow @thelazystandup on Twitter just in case.




P.S. Speaking of cold things, did anyone see Frozen? So good.

Back to school

 

That's basically what it's going to be like today.

Catch you guys after the bell rings! 

We Can't Stop, but We Should Probably Stop

I was going to write something about how I went back to work today, but then I watched Miley Cyrus's performance at the VMA's from last night and my brain shut-down in self defense.

Seriously, America. What are we creating? That was bizarre. It made Lady Gaga's performance look like a Christmas pageant. It made "Dirty Dancing" look like "Milo and Otis." It made "Milo and Otis" look like "Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver."

I digress. I went back to work today, and it was a little overwhelming; but I didn't touch a diaper for like nine hours.  So that part was okay.

But I also didn't write anything, and for that, I hope you'll forgive me.


 

Comedy Bang Bang

I know, I never write about comedy anymore. This is because 1) my favorite shows are on summer hiatus, and 2) I never see any movies or stand-up or leave my house.

But there is a sunny spot in this pathetic comedy wasteland, and that is Comedy Bang Bang.  It's on IFC, and it's back! Have you seen it?

You should! Or maybe you shouldn't. In my mind, it is genius. In your mind, it might be stupid. If I could compare it to something else, I would, but it is not like anything else. It is weird, and I love it.

http://www.ifc.com/comedy-bang-bang/galleries/comedy-bang-bang/comedy-bang-bang-episode-3-jon-hamm

Speaking of things I love, put Jon Hamm at the top of that list. I specifically love him when he does comedy. Which is why I am also excited about this movie.

I also want to see "This is the end" in the theater. Any thoughts on that? Am I crazy?

This one's for Whoopi.

 

There comes a point in every attention-deprived child's life where he or she makes a great discovery; a wonderful secret kept from them by mean adults who don't want it getting out. For me, it happened in the sixth grade, during a school-wide Mass to honor the feast of Mary. I was standing there, thinking of the Blessed Virgin and her grace-filled ways, when it hit me like a Tearjerker from the back of the school bus: Getting in trouble with teachers was funny, and kids like kids who are funny. I could get in trouble and be funny!

We were singing the hymn “Hail Holy Queen.” You may be familiar with this song because you are:
A) Catholic and probably related to me, or
B) a fan of the iconic Whoopi Goldberg.

Whoopi's hilarious turn as lounge-singer-posing-as-a-nun in the 1992 comedy “Sister Act” was nothing short of genius, and at that moment it gave me the inspiration to turn my life around. Maybe I wasn’t the coolest kid in school. Maybe I wasn’t the prettiest. But I could be funny. I could be brave. I could be like Whoopi. 

In the movie, Whoopi helps the struggling church choir by beefing up their repertoire, taking hymns like “Hail Holy Queen” and making them rock-and-roll gospel songs.  [This is achieved in part by adding lots of “whoa-whoas” and “ooh-oohs” between lyrics.] If you haven’t seen the movie; do. It’s a classic.

Always a Whoopi fan, I’d seen the movie and its sequel, “Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit” a few times. And I saw an opportunity within the music choice of Mass that day. While the rest of the school sang with the quiet dignity of a repressed Catholic, I tentatively started adding in some whoa-oh-oh's. I heard a few giggles, so I got more aggressive. Before too long my bee-bops and scats went beyond the tidy path Whoopi had laid out for me. I lost my inhibition and ran with the thrill of being supported by my peers. I was like that quiet, nerdy nun who suddenly busts out with an awesome voice! Minus the awesome voice.

Naturally, there were consequences to my actions.

At my grade school, at least in the 1990’s, if a student acted inappropriately, he or she first received a warning. If the behavior continued, the offending student was sent to “The Support Room.” This was a room where, as you would assume, the student was supported.

In this case, being supported involved sitting at an old-fashioned study carol and filling out a slip of paper detailing your crime. The school librarian would watch you disapprovingly, and after ten minutes you were sent back to class to have the paper signed by your teacher. That night, your parent would sign the paper. Then you would bring it back to school, where your teacher would probably throw it away.

This process was meant to make you feel so deeply ashamed that you would never do anything so terrible ever again.

But, if for some reason the devil had made camp in your soul and you were impervious to disgrace thus earning more visits to the support room for hilarious musical antics, “Lunch in Solitude” was the next step. [Exactly what it sounds like, only worded more pretentiously.] Believe me, after eating your PB&J alone in a classroom, you'd be begging for mercy.

Buuuuut, if for some reason you continued to act out and embarrass your Lord and Savior by getting sent to the support room and assigned multiple lunch-in-solitudes, then . . . they were out of ideas. Case closed. You were a hopeless, godless, heathen. And SO popular.

Just like Whoopi.

Boogedy Boogedy Boo

Does anyone remember the original Disney movie "Mr. Boogedy"? You probably do because it was on TV about 27 years ago.

I don't remember a lot of what I watched on TV in 1986, (Muppet Babies, Jem: She's Truly Outrageous, Adventures of the Gummi Bears, etc.) but I could never forget "Mr. Boogedy." It was supposed to be some kind of kid-friendly Boogeyman story (if that sounds like a stupid idea to you then you are right), and was completely terrifying. I ran an image search and almost wet my pants on the spot:

That guy sure looks kid-friendly! Way to go, Disney! I was going to post the plot summary from Wikipedia, but just reading it made me too scared and I had to stop. When I saw this movie, I didn't sleep for a week. I had to use the guest room so my mom could sleep with me and my screams wouldn't wake up my sister.

This intolerance of scary movies has continued. Sometimes I like to think I can watch them "ironically," like I'm on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but at the end of the day, it's a lie.  Case in point, I was watching TV with friends when "Saw 3" came on. I tried to protest, but they decided it would be "funny" to watch it, because it is so "stupid" and "fake." Ha ha ha, yeah, sure. I'm cool guys. I'm peeing my pants from laughter, not fear! Ha ha. This is so funny!

Admittedly, it was kind of amusing at first. We had some good riffs going on, about how it must have looked when Saw was getting his murder-house all ready: singing to himself, shopping at the Home Depot, working on his little clues ("Does this look like Satan to you? I'm trying to draw Satan, just for this thing I'm doing, and I can't get the nose right ..."). We were laughing, it was fun, and then I went to get ready for bed.

The minute I closed the door to brush my teeth, I saw Saw in the mirror about to murder me. No, really, he was there. I had to go get my husband so he would stand in the bathroom with me. Weirdly, he was annoyed. Oddly, he didn't find my damsel-in-distress act darling and adorable. Not-cool-ly, he told me to stop being a baby and let him go to bed. Big strong man-defender INDEED.

The real point of this post is to tell you never to see "Mr. Boogedy." Take it from me. Also, never see any of the Chucky/Child's Play movies. I saw one scene from one, approximately fifteen years ago, and it basically ruined my life.

My Taxonomy of Comedy

Happy Monday! My blog is now one month old. It's already starting to recognize my voice.

Also, I woke up to a flooded basement this morning so I am NOT in the mood to do computer stand-up for you. I am mad at you right now because your basement is not flooded.

Instead, here is my Taxonomy of Comedy.

Taxonomies are a nerdy teacher thing; you make them as a way to brainstorm ideas. Here I've made a taxonomy of funny stuff I like.  It's an odd list because I was limited to one entry per letter. So, I don't follow Queen Latifah's comedy career too closely, but she has been funny on SNL and her name starts with a Q.  X was also a bit of a reach.  Check it out, then go off and make a taxonomy of your own. You can pick any subject. Once my husband and I made a taxonomy of baby names. It was really cool and not lame.

Arrested Development
Book of Mormon (Musical, not religious text)
Christopher Guest
Dear Sister Digital Short (SNL)
Ellen Degenerous
Flight of the Conchords
Gilmore Girls
Happy Endings
Important Things With Demetri Martin
Jim Gaffigan
Kaitlin Character/Sketch (SNL)
Landlord, The (Funny or Die)
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Nate Nickerson (minor character from The Office)
O'Brien, Conan
Parker Posey
Queen Latifah
Ricky Gervais as David Brent
Sarah Silverman
Teachers Webseries
Uncle Buck
Vampire Musical: Jason Segal, Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Wet Hot American Summer

Xylophone sound effects

Yankovic, Weird Al 

Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover


Looking over the final result, it definitely represents my interests, and my interests are very Caucasion. Perhaps it's time I branched out.

Parenthood

After yesterday's incident, this post feels appropriate.

People will tell you that you just can’t understand the feeling of being a parent until you experience it yourself. Well I am here to tell you it’s not true. If you have ever seen a comedic take on parenting in the movies or TV, you know it all. Here is how it works:

You have your baby in the usual way. There is swearing and hilarious bone-crushing hand-holding. Your husband says something that’s supposed to sound supportive, but it comes out all wrong. You look at him and yell, “You did this to me! I hate you!” Then, your baby comes out, clean with a normal-looking head and approximately three months old in size.

Then there is a montage to some Motown song with the word "Baby" in it, where you are seen getting up in the middle of the night and making bottles and your hair is a mess. Toward the end of the song, it seems like you're getting the hang of it, but then the baby projectile-vomits all over your face, on which you have an expression like, "Really?" It's pretty funny.

One day, you have an important interview for your job. (Even if you’re a stay at home parent, you will inevitably have a crucial work-related meeting or interview of some sort.) Well, don’t worry; you’ll get a babysitter … right?

At the last minute, your babysitter cancels! Whaaaat? Now you have no choice other than to bring your baby to the meeting. You’re panicked, but you say to yourself, “I can do this.” You’ll hide the baby behind your back/under the desk/in an over-sized briefcase, and if your boss sees it you’ll say it’s someone else’s baby. Everything will be fine … right?

But then, in the middle of a really serious part of the meeting, the baby has a poopie diaper! Oh no! You have to change it, discreetly behind your back so the boss doesn’t see. Everyone knows this boss hates babies! Well, you think you’ve got it, but you somehow manage to get poop on your face. But here’s the kicker – YOU DON’T REALIZE IT.

So now you’re in this critically-important work-related meeting, with feces on your face, which is exactly what you don’t need, because you don’t want your boss to think that parenting is going to get into the way of your career. It’s over … right?

Wrong! It turns out that your boss loves babies! Everyone just thinks he doesn’t because of a sad falling out he had with his son years ago. Now, seeing you with your baby, he thinks he will call his son after all. And to top it off, the dedication you’ve shown to your child actually makes you a better worker in his eyes. You get the job/promotion/new office! Then someone finally tells you about the poop and everyone has a good laugh.

That is exactly what it’s like to be a parent.

Movies

I almost called into a morning radio show the other day. I almost really did.

The on-air personalities were listing movies they just don't "get" -- meaning acclaimed movies that, to them, are undeserving of their popularity. Interesting topic, I thought. Surely I can listen to this without feeling irrationally angry, I thought.

The first guy's choice was fine. The Hangover or something. I thought that movie was funny when I saw it, but yeah, sure, it's a little over-hyped at this point.

Then, the next person names her "I just don't get it" movie: Ferris Bueller's Day Off. This I do not understand. I have seen that movie many times, and there is no doubt that it is delightful. Matthew Broderick? Yes. Yes and yes.

Obviously, I was stunned by this choice. Indignant, even. But only when I heard her "reason" for disliking the movie did I actually get mad. Here it is. Are you ready? Are you ready to feel the anger I felt? I can send you the number to the radio station if you want.

[Annoying voice]: "I think that movie is dumb. I mean, it's completely unrealistic. When I skipped a day in high school, all I did is sit on the couch and watch Wheel of Fortune!"

Really?

You mean you didn't dress up like your girlfriend's dad and pick her up from school and then cause an entire city to break out in a choreographed dance when you hijacked a parade float? Really?

Huh ... well, maybe that is why no one has ever made a movie about your day off, dummy!

I wanted to call and yell that into the phone, but then I would have to admit that I listen to their show, which of course I do NOT. I am too mature/intelligent/pretentious to listen to morning DJ's make prank calls and promote the next "Booty Cruise." (I only listen to NPR.)

Back to my point. Why do people complain when movies are unrealistic? Isn't actual real life real enough? Personally, I am fully-aware of what reality is like. That is why I like to escape it with movies. And booze.

In fact, the less realistic a movie is, the better in my book. Do you have a movie where a girl hit her head at her 13th birthday party and woke up as a 30-year-old? Sounds awesome!  How about one where a group of super-heroes is working together to defend our planet from a bitter alien-brother and his army? Yes? Sign me up! A man is aging backwards? Cool! (Truth: that one was a little boring.)

There is only one fantastical plot point that has always bugged me. It is from the most beloved film of all-time: a movie that is a classic and a treasure to behold. The film to which I am referring is, of course, The Little Mermaid.

For those of you unfamiliar with LM, it is about a mermaid named Ariel who trades her voice to a sea witch to become human so . . . what am I talking about? Of course you are familiar with The Little Mermaid.

So, again, I am fine with the mermaid stuff, and the witch stuff, and the magic stuff. Of course. It's a fairy tale. There is just one teeny detail that I could never quite get around. One little oversight that kept me awake as a nine-year-old, and still bothers me today.

Why doesn't she just write things down?

Princess Ariel is not illiterate. Surely she has attended the finest schools golden sea clams can buy. (Do you remember when she signed that scroll? The penmanship was exquisite!) So why not pass Eric a little note? "Hey, I'm Ariel, I saved you from a shipwreck when I was a mermaid but I traded my voice to a witch so I could be human and meet you." Gotcha. Problem solved.

Granted, this would make for a less-interesting movie. That said, what Disney should do is add a line where Ursula says "You won't have a voice, but NO WRITING THINGS DOWN! FOR SERIOUS." It would put my mind at ease.

Someone send a memo to this man. Explain that, while we are perfectly fine with our movies being unrealistic, and with our heroines having eyes the size of grapefruits and waists the size of a pack of Smarties, we would like this particular logic-hole patched up.

Let me know what he says.