Things I Thought I Would Do Over the Last Six Months, But That I Did Not Actually Do

You may have thought that I took a break from blogging so that I could accomplish other things in my life. Like, for example, some home remodeling, or pinteresting crafts, or perhaps some charity work.

Well I didn't. I just did the normal stuff I do, and the time I would usually spend writing, I spent doing this puzzle:

That's 2,000 pieces, baby! Well . . . 1,999. Either this puzzle came with a piece missing, or one of the smaller, sticky-fingered members of my household ingested part of the southern Atlantic. We searched for that piece for days. It was like Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 up in here. (Too soon?)

So yes, it was not a productive summer/hiatus, but I did learn a lot about world geography.

And here is a condensed list of things I meant to do over the break that did not get done:

1. Shower every day
2. Clean my house
3. Run more than two miles without "cramping up"
4. Paint my kitchen
5. Write thank-you notes for any gifts received in the last three years
6. Send the baby/wedding/graduation gifts that have been sitting on my dining room table for four months
7. Eat vegetables
8. Text people back
9. Call people back
10. Get that last bit of 6-month old toenail polish off my toes


But I did go swimming a lot! And I rode on a boat once. So that's something.

Day Off

Today was meant to be a productive day. I didn't have to work, and my son still went to preschool, so there is a golden opportunity to accomplish the many tasks that never seem to get done otherwise.

Here is how my day was meant to go:

6:45     Wake-up and breakfast
7:30     Leave to go to preschool
8:00     Get gas and a chai tea latte
8:30     Meet friend for brisk, aerobic walk
9:30     Go home put 1-year-old down for nap
10:00    Laundry
10:30    Interactive/brain-stimulating play with 1-year-old
11:30    Nutritious homemade lunch
12:15    Organize pantry
1 PM    Baby down for second nap
1:15     Vacuum
2:00     Dust
2:30     Bond sweetly with my child
3:00     Organize toys
3:30     Put away Halloween stuff
4:00     Catch up on school work
4:30     Pick up child at preschool
5:00     Make dinner

Here is how my day is actually going:

6:00      Ignore my children as they wake up
6:45      Breakfast/Arguing
7:45      Leave for preschool
8:00      Get gas
8:30      Get lost while trying a new route  
9:30      Walk with friend
10:30    Lay on the couch, watch Sesame Street/Mindy Project while child crawls around
10:45    Find child with battery in mouth, get off couch
11:00    Start a load of laundry, forget to press "start" on the dryer
11:30    Give my child a semi-nutritious lunch, give myself Halloween candy
12:30    Try to get my child to take a nap
1:00      Try to get my child to take a nap
1:30      Try to get my child to take a nap
2:00      Finish Mindy Project and watch New Girl while putting away batteries
2:30      Write mediocre blog entry
3:00      Pick-up house, or . . . nap?

Clearly I should get going.

That nap is not going to take itself.

Locker Room Attendant

I've been spending a lot of time at public pools lately, both because it's hot and because I love the potential of getting warts on my feet. (None so far; keep your fingers crossed!)

The worst part of outdoor swimming is definitely the locker-room situation. Nothing is more disgusting on this earth than the locker room of an outdoor pool (as I wrote that sentence I thought of five things more disgusting, but whatever). There's hair, there's pee, and nothing is ever dry. It's the holy trinity of gross.

Believe it or not, I once held the title "locker room attendant" as a summer job. If that sounds like a nightmare to you, then you are right, it was a nightmare. My job was to go into the gross locker room and mop and . . . I can't even write it . . . clear the drains in the showers.

Is there an emoticon for shuddering? I hate emoticons, but I could use that right now.

I'm going to make one up. Here it goes.

: "<

That means [shudder] now. I did it, guys! I'm an inventor!

So yes, I cleared shower drains, and mopped up pee, and various other soul-crushing tasks that I've managed to block out, thank goodness. And while I did these things, I resented the filthy patrons who created these messes. Why are people so gross?

I wish there was a way for everyone in the world to just agree to be a little less disgusting. Because I know once you're in a gross locker room, you're just like "Whatever this place is already gross so I am going to leave my kid's swim diaper hanging on the edge of this trash can so in order to throw something away the next person will have to touch it."

I know you guys are like that.

So maybe if everyone decided that "Hey, maybe I should clean my hair brush at home," then the locker room wouldn't be such a terrifying place.

Work with me, guys! Together, we can make a difference. 

Clean Slate

Let's be honest for a moment, shall we? If nothing else, this blog is all about honesty and truth-bombs. So here's a truth bomb for you: I never clean my shower.

Well, almost never. Because I just cleaned it. But that is probably the second time I've cleaned it since we moved in almost three years ago.

You're judging me. I can feel you judging me.

Look, I've wiped the tub edges before. But scrubbing? The tile? The tub? No. I have not been doing much of that. And it's gross and I'm gross and I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore.

I don't know why I don't clean the shower. I also don't listen to my voicemail. It's a weird avoidance thing where if I don't start it then I won't have to do it. (Actually, not that weird.) But there does come a time enough is enough and the shower must be cleaned. Similarly, if you leave me enough messages, I will eventually call you back.

So I haven't been cleaning my shower because I didn't want it to be added to the list of things I feel like I need to be doing all the time. But now that is ruined because I cleaned it tonight, and have consequently decided that cleaning my shower -- the only shower in this home -- should probably be more than an annual thing.

Here is another truth bomb: I hate cleaning, and I do it constantly.
Here's an average week night: I decide to go to bed early because I am tired all the time. On my way to bed I notice the baby bottles are still soaking, so I have to rinse and dry them so I will be ready to make a bottle at 6AM.

While I'm cleaning the bottles, I notice the sink has weird food struck to it, so I start to scrub it. Then I see the crumbs on the floor, because there are literally always crumbs on my kitchen floor, so I decide to sweep those for a while. [This particular task relates directly to my fear/disdain for bugs.]

After giving the kitchen a thorough once-over, I head to the bathroom to brush my teeth while I lament the dust on the light fixtures and try to decide whether or not the vacuum would wake my children.

When I finally get to my bedroom, I notice more dust bunnies in the corner and laundry that needs to be put away and it just never ends. How is there so much dust in my house?

So anyway, if anyone would like to contribute to this new fund called "Get me a cleaning service" I am officially accepting donations. Just think: the less time I spend cleaning the more time I can spend writing! It's all for you.