THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, NOTRE DAME, and THE YANKEES

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 What do the United States of America, Notre Dame, and the New York Yankees all have in common? I bet you don’t know. You think you do, but you don’t. Okay, I’ll tell you.

People hate them.

Part 1: USA

The first time I visited another continent was to Spain for a high-school Spanish trip. We travelled around the beautiful country, visiting Churches and museums and Aquaductos. I learned a lot on that trip, like the fact that vodka burns when it gets in your eyes, and tapas can be hit or miss.

But the most important lesson I learned while abroad was that Americans are not as popular in other countries as they are in America (Tom Hanks being the exception, of course). Americans on the whole are not known for being intelligent, or generous, or brave like we’re raised to believe. We are known for being loud, bold, and self-entitled.

And fat.

Sidenote: my brother-in-law is not from the U.S., and when my nephew is being naughty, he says: “Stop that. That’s very bold!”

Can you believe that?  Bold is synonymous with naughty in other countries. Here, we value boldness. We pride ourselves on it. Like this: “It was very bold how you yelled at that man about your omelet, Harold. Kiss me!” You know, like that.

After a very short while in Spain, I learned that being American was not something to publicize about oneself. Strangers would approach with big grins and say in English, “you’re American, no?” If we said yes, they would try to con us, or rob us, or make out with us. If we said we were Canadian, they would only try to make out with us. Because American or not, we were still adorable.

Conclusion: People don’t like Americans because they think they are loud, stupid, and rude.

Part Two: ND

I went to college at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana. It was great. I learned stuff and met people and never got any vodka in my eyes. College success!

People who go to Notre Dame (usually) like Notre Dame. That was my experience when I was there. The students I met had chosen to attend, and attended with pleasure. We would say things like: I like it here! Notre Dame is fun! Go Irish!

Now that I am removed from this brief period in my life, I encounter fewer people who like Notre Dame, and more people who hate it. They just hate it; and they like to tell me they hate it. Like this:

Person: Where’d you go to school?

Me: Notre Dame

Person: Notre Dame sucks!

Me: Oh.

I once worked with a guy who never said anything to me without following it with “or is it not Notre Dame enough for you?” For example,

Do you want to sit down, or is this chair not Notre-Dame enough for you?

Are you having fun, or is this party not Notre-Dame enough for you?

Will you send that email, or is email not Notre-Dame enough for you?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you are so funny, guy! I feel like I am watching episode after episode of Two and a Half Men when I’m with you!

Conclusion: People hate Notre Dame because they think it’s pretentious and overrated.

Part 3: NYY

I am not from New York, nor am I a fan of Yankees Baseball, but I recognize that the Yankees have the same problem as the U.S. and Notre Dame. That is, people hate them.

Yankees fans love the Yankees, but no one else. There is actually a legitimate piece of musical theater written entirely about how much people hate the Yankees – that’s how hated they are.

Do I hate the Yankees, you ask? Only a little bit. Derek Jeter is just too smirky. Like, what are you smiling about, Derek Jeter? Just play baseball. You’re not that great.

Not only do people hate the Yankees, they love hating the Yankees. It’s fun. Going to a Yankees game [not at Yankee Stadium] is a hot ticket because everyone can go and boo the Yankees together.

Conclusion: People hate the Yankees because it’s fun and community-building.

SUMMARY:

People like to hate things. There’s something cathartic about just really, truly, super-duper hating the crap out of something. You don’t need to repress this urge, you just need to find an appropriate place to direct your feelings.

If you are someone who is looking for somewhere to direct your hate, but don’t want to look like a jerk, consider this helpful advice.

1. Find something that has enjoyed success and privilege: these make the perfect things to hate! J

2. Find a large group of people to hate it with you. (Hating alone can look mean.)

Appropriate options for your hate:

1. Yankees

2. Hipsters

3. Notre Dame

4. Hockey players

5. People who don’t signal their turns when driving

INAPPROPRIATE options for your hate:

1. Children

2. Social classes

3. Specific nationalities or races

4. Gay people

5. Scientists

This would make a great PSA. Cue the jingle: The-more-you-know!