Locker Room Attendant

I've been spending a lot of time at public pools lately, both because it's hot and because I love the potential of getting warts on my feet. (None so far; keep your fingers crossed!)

The worst part of outdoor swimming is definitely the locker-room situation. Nothing is more disgusting on this earth than the locker room of an outdoor pool (as I wrote that sentence I thought of five things more disgusting, but whatever). There's hair, there's pee, and nothing is ever dry. It's the holy trinity of gross.

Believe it or not, I once held the title "locker room attendant" as a summer job. If that sounds like a nightmare to you, then you are right, it was a nightmare. My job was to go into the gross locker room and mop and . . . I can't even write it . . . clear the drains in the showers.

Is there an emoticon for shuddering? I hate emoticons, but I could use that right now.

I'm going to make one up. Here it goes.

: "<

That means [shudder] now. I did it, guys! I'm an inventor!

So yes, I cleared shower drains, and mopped up pee, and various other soul-crushing tasks that I've managed to block out, thank goodness. And while I did these things, I resented the filthy patrons who created these messes. Why are people so gross?

I wish there was a way for everyone in the world to just agree to be a little less disgusting. Because I know once you're in a gross locker room, you're just like "Whatever this place is already gross so I am going to leave my kid's swim diaper hanging on the edge of this trash can so in order to throw something away the next person will have to touch it."

I know you guys are like that.

So maybe if everyone decided that "Hey, maybe I should clean my hair brush at home," then the locker room wouldn't be such a terrifying place.

Work with me, guys! Together, we can make a difference.