Holly Jolly Jerkface

Hello everyone! I forgot I had a blog for a minute! Sorry about that. I do have a blog, and this is it. This is my funny blog that I write.

Here is what is funny lately: I am choreographing a musical -- that's funny because I have almost zero dance experience. And the experience I have involves being a pretty bad dancer. Me being a choreographer is almost as absurd as when I coached basketball, but not quite.

Another funny thing happening is that I have somehow been roped into my workplace "Secret Santa" tradition. Of course, we call it "Secret Snowflake" because if you call it Santa you are basically baptizing people, which is not allowed! So I have a Secret Snowflake for whom I must purchase five small gifts to be delivered next week.

I do not have a problem giving this person gifts. I actually kind of like it. What I do not like is receiving gifts. That makes me sound like a humble, Buddhist-type, but you know me and you know that's not right. I'm really more of a selfish jerk.

Secret Snowflake gifts fall into two categories: 1) food and 2) crap. This is due to the fact that we are (rightfully) held to a $5 limit. What can you get someone for $5? Food and crap.

But here is the thing, I don't want food OR crap. I like food, of course, but I don't want more of it. Last time I did Secret Snowflake someone found out I like chocolate (true) and gave me and entire pan of brownies. Great, right?

No! Not great! Guess where those brownies ended up? Here is a quiz:

The pan of brownies went:
     A. To my friends over a lovely lunch.
     B. To a holiday party.
     C. To my children and husband.
     D. To my mouth over the course of two days.

The answer is D. God help me, the answer is D.

As for the crap, it usually falls into one of the following categories:
  1. Coffee mugs
  2. Christmas ornaments
  3. Knick-knacks

Here is my problem:
   1. Don't like coffee, yet have 25 mugs in a cupboard we never open
   2. Have too many ornaments already, and my children have not even started elementary school yet where I hear they make three crappy ornaments a year, minimum.
   3. I am constantly trying to get rid of things as it is.

So there you have it. I am an impossible jerkface who does not like anything. Except gift cards, but those are kind of impersonal. But Secret Snowflakes from work are also kind of impersonal, so gift cards it is!

Has anyone ever received Secret Santa at work that they enjoyed? Let me know. I am going shopping this weekend for food and crap at the Food and Crap Emporium (Target).

Just kidding Target, I love yoooooooooooou.