Transubstantiation 4-Eva

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The other day I was reading my son some books when our doorbell rang. It was 10:45 AM on a Saturday and we weren’t expecting company, so I sat perfectly still until they went away.

I know; it’s a sad commentary on the slow disintegration of human interaction, but if you are a stranger and you ring my doorbell, I will definitely hide from you and so will my husband. That’s how we roll.

Later that day, I found a pamphlet on our door inviting me to learn how Jesus takes away the sin of the world by going to a Jehovah’s Witness meeting. I felt an immediate wave of relief; our decision to hide was correct.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate this person’s attempt to make me a better person, I do. It’s just that I already have a religion, and like many people I’m not good at getting out of awkward conversation. It would be a long, uncomfortable, and fruitless experience for both of us. Really, I was doing this person a favor by crouching beneath the window and shushing my son repeatedly.

I grew up pretty Catholic. My parents grew up a little more Catholic, and their parents a little more than that. It seems that Catholicism loses some of its potency from one generation to the next. This can be proven by the amount of children each generation has. My grandmother was one of eight; my mother was one of five; I am one of three; and I have two kids. You see where I’m going with this.

I went to Catholic grade school, high school, college, and graduate school (I’m what’s called a quadruple-threat to sin). Basically that means I am very comfortable studying science in a room with a crucifix on the wall. The only non-Catholic educational experience I had was my preschool, which was laid-back Lutheran. Those crazy Lutherans . . . they tried to convince me that the Holy Virgin Mary did not ascend into heaven, but I would not be swayed. Transubstantiation 4-eva!

Fun fact: many great comedians were raised Catholic, such as Jim Gaffigan, Molly Shannon, Alec Baldwin, Jen Kirkman, and Amy Poehler (although I think a lot of these guys are considered “lapsed” at this point). I tried to look up more, but I got a bunch of hits about “Clean Catholic Comedy” “Comedy for Catholics” and “Clean Catholic Comedians.” I’m sorry but no thank you.

There you have it: I have a religion, and while I respect yours I'm not interested in converting to it. So if you're going to drop by for a visit, please phone ahead, or I will mysteriously not be home despite the fact that the car is in the driveway and there's music is on in the garage and my children are just standing there in the doorway staring right at you.