Silent Auctions: The Silent Killer

I mentioned awhile ago on my Facebook page that I'd had yet another unfortunate run-in with the dangerous world of silent auctioning. Well it's true. (Everything people write on Facebook is true.)

My experience with silent auctions always starts same. I go to the event, planning to spend zero dollars. This is usually because I am cheap and afraid to spend money. I walk through the room of items, glancing here and there, thinking: Bleh. I don't need any of this stuff. You can't just put a bunch of crap in a basket, tie it up in plastic, and make me pay for it. I'm not stupid.

Then I visit the bar.

Later I'm walking through and I'm thinking, well, I'll just low-ball some things. You know, to look like I'm generous and drive up the price. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'm so smart.

So I bid on a couple things -- great things that will surely go for a lot of money. I make sure everyone sees me writing on the sheet.

Then I'm bored so I visit the bar.

Another trip around the items, just to make sure I'm being properly outbid. But now I'm noticing some other stuff that might be nice to have -- a night downtown with dinner, drinks, and a show? Yes, I could use something like that. I'll just make a little bid. Could be fun.

Oh look, this item has no bids. That's so sad. I bet the people who donated it are going to feel embarrassed and never donate again. That shouldn't happen. I'll throw down; after all, it's for charity.

By then all of my good deeds start to make me feel thirsty, so I visit the bar.

Before we leave, I decide to make one more visit to the room. Wait, this bozo is trying to steal my commemorative wine goblets? Is he serious? Well, Bidder #2308, guess what? I play to win. So take that.

Hold on hold on hold on, did someone else bid on the Night on the Town? What the hell is that about? I deserve that. I'm a working mom. I need a BREAK. You will not take that away from me, Bidder 1627. You will NOT.

I am on fire! I am totally going to win this thing! I am the most generous silent-auction-guest of all time! Of ALL TIME! Hahahahahahaha!

Time to celebrate at the bar!


And so it happens. When all is said and done, I end up with commemorative wine glasses, and theater tickets I can't use, and a massage from a unlicensed masseuse, and bunch of crap in a basket tied up in plastic.

And a headache.

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Coming up: a silent auction to help earn back what I've spent at silent auctions. You guys are all invited!

There will be an open bar.
 

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