How does one become a "funny" birthday-card writer, anyway? Hallmark must advertise those job opportunities during commercial breaks of "Two and Half Men" and "Two Broke Girls" or something. Either that, or they are sending headhunters to fourth grade classrooms.
From what I can tell, if you want to buy a birthday card for an adult female, your choices break down into the following categories:
1. You're Old and Ugly!
2. Buy shoes and eat cake, Girl!
3. Religious.
If you want to buy a card for a male, your choices break down into these categories:
1. Fart Joke2. Hot Chicks/Sexual Inadequacy
3. Tool belt-Fart Combo
But what happens if you don't want to tell your sister that she's old and ugly, or that she should buy some shoes, or that sisters are God's way of showing His love on earth? And what happens if, on Father's Day, you don't really want to tell your dad that he farts a lot and that he hogs the remote and then farts again? What happens then, greeting card company???
Maybe it's just me. Maybe I am weird for thinking that telling your best friend her boobs are saggy on her birthday is not really in the birthday spirit. But I doubt it. I think many of us would prefer a joke that wasn't insulting to the receiver, but just normal funny. Like, for example:
Front: Happy Birthday!
Inside: Your boobs look amazing!
Front: Happy Birthday!
Inside: I bet you have lots of sex and that you are good at it!
Front: Happy Birthday!
Inside: I hope you get one of those good cakes from Costco and no one insults your body.
Is that so hard? I mean granted, I am a comedic genius, but that took me two minutes to create. Two minutes, and I would buy all of those cards. And people would like them.
So if you want a custom-made, funny, not-made-by-a-fourth-grader greeting card, just let me know. I will go into business. I will change the game and make millions of dollars. MILLIONS!!!!!!!!!!!
Just say the word.
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