A Very Special Night with Mark Madsen

There is a period of my life that I don't often talk about, and that is because I don't want to brag. I know you guys are already very impressed with my glamorous teacher-mom lifestyle, so it feels cruel to mention that, at one point, I was even more sophisticated than I am today. But I think it's time to come clean:

I once worked for an NBA franchise.

Yes, it's true. For one season, way back when I was an actual stand-up and not just a lazy one, I had the opportunity to be part of a "dynamic group of performers dedicated to improving the experience of NBA ticket holders." Well, I'm proud to say that after a grueling audition, I landed the part.

And then I threw T-shits for six months.

Now the reason I bring this up is not to gloat about how many T-shirts I did or didn't throw that season. I bring it up because something funny happened one night at a game, and it taught me a little bit about the subtleties of the English language and the importance of word choice.

Allow me to set the scene:

There I was, at the game, getting ready to improve the experience of NBA ticket holders by way of T-shirt throwing, when the actual basketball players walked by on their way to the court. It was very thrilling, because they are so tall and good at basketball.

I've never been much of a sports fan, I was still excited when the players put out their hands for high-fives -- something about touching the ginormous hand of a rich stranger, I guess. Unfortunately, however, it was pretty crowded, so I didn't receive any high fives.

That is, until power-forward/center Mark Madsen came by.

Mark Madsen, circa the time of the incident.

When Mark Madsen walked by, he put his fist out. Instinctively, I put my fist out. Then, as if in a dream, our fists made brief, forceful contact. It was special.

That night, I was on the phone with my boyfriend and excitedly told him, "Guess what? Before the game tonight Mark Madsen fisted me!"

And he was like, ". . .What?"

And I was like, "Yeah, Mark Madsen fisted me tonight before the game!"

And he was like, "Stop saying that."

And I was like, "Why? I'm not joking! Mark Madsen totally fisted me, and it was awesome!"

And he was like, "You don't know what you're talking about."

And that, friends, is when I learned that fisting and fist-bumping are not at all the same thing. So just remember that the next time an NBA player holds out their fist to you.