TLSU's Guide to Tricky Situations

I wrote the following essay a long time ago, while reflecting on a strange experience I had in college. I've never shared it publicly because I thought it might be too weird. And chances are, if I think something is too weird, it's extremely weird.

Upon further thought, however, I decided that I don't care. I think it's funny. And funny is really the point here, isn't it? So there you have it. I'm going for it. 

Without further ado, I bring you:

WHAT TO DO IF YOU EVER FIND YOURSELF IN AN ACCIDENTAL ORGY

 

Do orgies really happen? The answer to that question is yes. And you need to be careful, lest you should happen to fall into one.

You should be especially careful when attending a theater party. It is ill-advised to wander into unknown rooms at a theater party, especially if said rooms are “upstairs” or “in the back.”

Say, for instance, you’re at a cast party. You’ve had some margaritas and are feeling very warm and happy inside. Suddenly, you notice some of your friends going upstairs. DO NOT FOLLOW THEM.

You may think, oh, I bet they are going to have a deep conversation about life and the arts. Or you may think there is an even cooler dance party happening in another room. This is highly unlikely. Even if you do happen to come across a secret, upstairs dance party, chances are it will soon turn to a secret, upstairs orgy. Do not be fooled.

But, for the sake of an example, let’s say you accidentally do follow your friends to their new location. If, for any reason, you are asked to remove your shoes, leave immediately. This is another classic warning sign of impending orgy. (People do not “do it” with shoes on.)

If you don’t recognize the warning signs, and you end up taking off your shoes and going inside, know that everyone will soon be sitting on the floor in a circle. They may express surprise you are there, like, “Whoa, Molly, I didn’t think this was your style!” You will find this odd, because deep conversations about the arts are most definitely your style.

They may also make comments to each other, such as, “Guys, don’t scare her, she’s from Minnesota.” This will insult you because MN has a thriving arts scene.

If even after all of this, you are still waiting patiently for a thoughtful dialogue to begin, you will start to notice a lot of touching and giggling. This alone is not uncommon for theater people, but if it is combined with a noticeable lack in conversation, monologues, and “attention-hogging,” you are officially in an orgy.

What to do if you suddenly find yourself mid-orgy:

First, avert your eyes. Someone somewhere may have exposed something and you do not need to see it.

Second, find your shoes. They may be in a giant fish bowl, so be aware you may have to leave them behind. It is better to go home shoeless than to go home “intercoursed.”

To avoid drawing any embarrassing attention, make up a white lie. One that has worked for me in the past is “I think I left my orgy stuff downstairs.” This will intrigue your companions enough to leave you alone.

Once you are out, stay out. Do not be drawn back in by promises of “just talking” or “meaningful experience.” Leave and do not turn back.

Finally, never speak of this experience again.