Moviefone!

You guys. I just watched a movie on Netflix and it was so awesome because:

1) I got to watch a movie on Netflix because my kids were out with their grandma and my husband was at work and I was ALONE.

2) The movie was "They Came Together" starring Amy Poehler and Paul Rudd.

If you ever saw the movie "Wet Hot American Summer" (2001) which is an absurd comedy based on a summer camp, and you liked it, then you will love this movie which is an absurd comedy based on stereotypical romantic comedies.

And speaking of "Wet Hot American Summer," did you know there is a new series based on that movie coming out on Netflix this July? Did you? That is very good news. And if you've never heard of WHAS, please watch the following clip:

And also I think you should be alone and watch "They Came Together" immediately. Just look at this hokey grossness.

Heaven!

Mother Nature, You Are Hilarious

I took the Google Earth Day quiz yesterday and learned that I am a "Cuttlefish." Cuttlefish, by the way, look like this:

Actually that is a baby cuttlefish. But this is not what I wish to write about today.

Here is what I wish to write about: when I googled "cuttlefish" (well-played, Google, for getting me to do that with your quiz) I came across THIS LINK. I started watching and learning about my many similarities to the cuttlefish, and then I was like "wait, is this video for real?" because the guy narrating it was so bizarre.

And then I kept watching and I slowly realized that the video was real in that it taught me real facts about cuttlefish, but it was also a joke because this man is hilarious.

Long story short, there is a series of videos on YouTube called "True Facts About _________" by ZeFrank1, and they are the funniest things I have seen in a long time. I've watching almost all of them in a very short amount of time. I've learned so much about different animals.

So, if you like learning about animals, but also making fun of them behind their backs, you will love these videos. 

Little White Non-truths

Today at the store I bought some yogurt-covered pretzels, and I thought to myself: this is not yogurt on these pretzels. It's frosting. These are frosting-covered pretzels, and I know it. But I will continue to eat them as a healthy snack. Because I am a liar. The end.

Anyway, as long as I am on the topic of Lies We Tell Ourselves, I thought I'd make a quick list for your reference. Feel free to add to it in the comments, if you so desire.

Lies We Tell Ourselves:

1. Yogurt-covered pretzels are covered in yogurt

2. Graham crackers are crackers (not cookies)

3. If my friend were here, she would laugh at the way I am making fun of her right now

4. My friends never talk about me behind my back

5. I was funny in junior high (not annoying)

6. I was always nice to everyone in high school

7. My children are less annoying than other children

8. People like to hear about my dreams

9. My friends on Facebook care about how bad this traffic is

10. I will get up early tomorrow and [fill in the blank with anything]

11. I will not regret staying up to watch this episode of Full House tomorrow morning

12. Everyone watches reruns of Full House in their spare time, not just me

Vacation Pictures!

As my loyal reader knows, my family and I recently made the pilgrimage to the sacred land of Orlando, Florida, for spring break. We are back now, but it was EPIC.

I don't really know how to put into words the experience my family had in the land of Mickey and Legos, so I thought instead I would share some of my favorite pictures.

I hope you enjoy.

 

 

 

 

 

Hippity Hoppity

As Easter quickly approaches, I am reminded of a very special day my family and friends spent at a local Egg Hunt last year. I meant to write about it at the time, but much like anyone who's experienced a traumatic event, I needed time to heal.

I'm ready to tell my story now.

It all started off innocently enough. "Come Join a Community Easter Egg Hunt!" the website read. "Fun for All Ages!" it said. My friends and I thought this would be a lovely way to spend a Saturday with our families, so we went.

There were approximately 50,000 people at this egg hunt. I guess that is our community; I don't know. But there were a lot of people there. And as for the "hunt" aspect, they had three squares of grass taped off with 300 eggs piled on each of them.

Can you find the eggs?

It didn't take a mathematician to see this would be a problem:

3 small squares of grass x 300 eggs  =    ANGRY EASTER MOB

                                            50,000 people

We managed to forget about the impending bloodbath for a while and enjoy ourselves, eating hot dogs and mingling in the spring weather. However, as the "hunt" approached, people started gathering around the taped-off squares with fire in their eyes. I found a spot outside the square marked "0-2 Year Olds" with my then-one-year-old son, ready to go.

And then Pastor Steve of the local Church got on the mic. This was it.

Wait, no, first he said a quick prayer -- fair enough.

But then it was time to go.

Oops, not yet. He wanted to know if anyone lost a cell phone.

Okay let's do this; the kids were starting to lose it.

Then he wanted to remind us about a raffle winner. Where was Betty Sherman? Had anyone seen Betty?

This guy would not get off the mic! Clearly Pastor Steve was not used to having such a captive audience. Meanwhile we were all jam-packed around these little squares, waiting. I saw one kid make a break for the eggs before being caught and pulled back, blowing his chance altogether. Another child burst into tears. One other barfed out of pure anticipation.

FINALLY the Pastor Steve said 'Go!' and we stepped into the arena. The only way to make this Easter Egg Hunt more like American Gladiators would be to have Blaze shooting tennis balls at us from a padded platform.

I held my child's small hand, trying to guide hime through the chaos, but every time he stooped to pick up an egg, a 40-year-old Latina woman picked it up first. I swear this Latina woman was following my one-year-old around. And she was aggressive.

Typically my Midwestern-Catholic upbringing prevents me from telling strangers how annoyed I am with them to their face, but eventually I did let out a passive-aggressive "REALLY?" to this woman. Could she not see the adorable blonde toddler gently attempting to pick up the eggs? Where was her 0-2 year old, anyway? Is she picking up eggs for herself??? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AT THIS EASTER EGG HUNT?

It was all over in less than a minute. We got three eggs. I stumbled off the battle field with my son holding onto my leg, eyes wide with what he'd seen. We went to find my husband so that he could take my three-year-old through the same terrifying experience in the next taped-off square.

That's when I noticed that the 3-5 Year Old area was also empty. Their group had been released only moments after our group, and now the field was in a post-hunt state, with children laying on the ground holding onto their legs crying, others wandering around in a daze, having been separated from their parents in the melee. A small fire burned in one corner.

When I found my son, he was not happy. He hadn't been able to participate in the hunt because we had the only basket with us. I tried to tell him that he was better off without the Lord of the Flies experience, but he would not have it. He would not have any of it.

So, in a moment I am not totally proud of, I took the three eggs we had fought so hard for and threw them on the ground. I handed my older son the basket and told him in a not-very-Easterlike voice to pick them up. And he did it; he picked each one up and stopped crying. (The Latina woman tried to get there, but she was too slow.)

And guess what? Each egg was filled with one teeny-tiny, off-brand, rock-hard tootsie roll. Exactly the kind little kids can't eat.

And then it was all over. Parents dragged their children back to their cars in bewildered silence. My friends and I looked at each other, but there were no words to capture what we had all been through that day. The only one who had retained the power of speech was -- you guessed it -- Pastor Steve. He was back on the mic in no time. Had anyone seen Betty Sherman?



Happy Easter, All!