Anti-Dentite

I feel relatively good about myself as a human being most of the time, but twice a year my self-esteem takes a plummet and I begin to question my own value.

It's the dentist.

I strongly dislike the dentist.

I went to my six month check-up today, and even though I was deemed cavity-free, I still walked out feeling no better than a dirty piece of rotten garbage. Because no matter how straight and white my teeth may be, it's never good enough.

I want so badly to please my dental hygienist. I want her to praise me, to marvel at the wonder of my pristine mouth. But no, it's always "This spot looks a little dark" or "How often are you flossing?"

You guys, I practice decent oral care. I brush twice a day, and floss at night. Isn't that enough? Are the rest of you brushing and flossing three times a day, and in comparison I'm a dirty hobo? (No offense, hobos?)

Have you ever had the soul-crushing "flossing lesson" where they make you look in the mirror while they floss your teeth, just to make sure you "get it?"

Me neither.

I just hate sitting tipped back in that chair, mouth open, blood rushing to my head, awaiting judgment. The poking, the prodding . . . every time that little hooks sticks ever so slightly in my molar I hear a "hm" noise as she writes something scathing on the little chart: 

Gross build-up on 12 bilateral - probably due to a combination of laziness and gluttony. 

And there's nothing I can do but lay there, defenseless, with drool on my chin.

I assume it's like this for everyone? Right? RIGHT?

I'm so self-conscious right now.

Well the good news is I was released today with no cavities or follow-up appointments. But I did have a few teeth put on the "watch list," which basically means they don't have cavities now, but I can plan on them having cavities next time. So . . . I have that going for me.

I'm going to go drink Listerine.