Midwesterners: They're Just Like Us!

The other day my husband and I were watching a show in which the main character encountered someone from the Midwest. Here is a pop quiz.

The Midwestern character was:

   A) sarcastic and tough
   B) gorgeous and aloof
   C) pudgy and dimwitted

The answer is C. How do I know? Because it's always C. Whenever there is a character from "the Midwest" on TV or in the movies, they are pudgy and dimwitted.

(Option A is from New York City, and Option B is from Sweden.)

Here is the problem: I'm from the Midwest and I am sick of being misrepresented by people who have no idea what they're talking about. If these writers visited Minneapolis, or Madison, or Ann Arbor, or Omaha, or any Midwestern city, they would probably realize that the Midwest is just like the rest of America, only with fewer shark attacks.

I mean I get it. There are more farms here than in cities with their own "Real Housewives" franchises. But does everyone in the Midwest live on a farm? No. And besides, farmers aren't pudgy and dimwitted. Farmers could kick your ass.

And what is with the term Midwest? Logically, that would mean the middle of the West, like, Wyoming. But it doesn't. The real Midwest is actually just the top-middle of the country. It makes no sense.

No one knows for certain why it's called the Midwest, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the fact that people from coastal states are terrible with US geography. Zing. (No, but seriously, if you are from one of the coasts, can you name each state in the above picture?)

Moving on. To illustrate the many untrue and unflattering stereotypes of the Midwest and its inhabitants, I have an anecdote. True story:

A few years ago I was in NYC visiting friends. We went and got cheap tickets to the musical "Rock of Ages" which, at the time, was starring Constantine Maroulis from American Idol. It was kind of dumb, but entertaining. I liked it.

Later that night we were back at my friend's apartment in Brooklyn, having a drink in his back patio when his landlord/neighbor came down to visit. He asked about our evening and I told him about the play, making an offhand comment about Constantine's performance.

Immediately this guy went off about how disappointing it is to see Broadway whoring itself out by putting reality TV show contestants in productions just to bring in a "Midwestern audience."

Translation: the only thing that would bring simple-minded Midwesterners to see a Broadway show would be the presence of familiar reality TV stars.

Perhaps I'm overreacting, but I definitely wanted to punch that guy in the face. I wanted to tell him that I don't even watch American Idol (except that one season with they guy with grey hair), but there was no point. Plus I was kind of tired.

And by the way, I'm sure noooo one in cool, classy Brooklyn watches American Idol. No siree. Not there. They are too busy visiting museums and drinking fine wine.

Barf.

My mission today is to set the record straight on the Midwest. We are a normal cross-section of Americans who are no more, nor less, stupid than the rest of the country. We have the internet. We have people of different races, socioeconomic backgrounds, religions and cultures. There is crime here. People do drugs. We have museums, and theater, and Greek yogurt. We know what sex is.

And the pizza is good, too.

Seacrest out.